[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
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Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?