Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
You Might Also Like
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Unimpressed