If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
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“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!