I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
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A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
☺️
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong