The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
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Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up