This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
🤣🤣🤣
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?