[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
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wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny