Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
*skinny dips into black hole
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.