Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
You Might Also Like
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will