I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
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My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Owl Sanctuary
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Classic German Shepherd 😂
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[napping on couch]
Son: wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok i’ll be the cops.
Son: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Son: why not?
Me: i’m waiting on a judge to sign your warrant.
Son: oh.
Me: [eyes still closed] I’ll let you know when it comes in.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either