Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Make new friends? bro out of what?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller