putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer