“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
You Might Also Like
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Before & after 😅
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it