Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
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man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*