The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
*Inspirational Tweets*
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Quadruple digit IQ
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
August 8
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so