There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
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“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet