If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
You Might Also Like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Donkey Kong sommelier