Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
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DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
🙀🙀🙀😹
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide