[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
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Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
#Caturday
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s