When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
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My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians