Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix