*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
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Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
mathematically impossible
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*