i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
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Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
*weighs self after shaving
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.