People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
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The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.