On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
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DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I hope this email finds you in a well
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds