jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
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I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing