My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
i wish i could marry a nap
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.