Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
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This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
😎 🍻
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
“How’s your day going?”
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.