Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
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A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.