Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
You Might Also Like
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.