Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police