If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
bias laundering edition
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me