my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
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Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
when mom throws a party…
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
step 6: release the wall snake