Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
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[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
Great acting.. 😂
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Dishonest mechanic?
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
Spider-cat: No One Home
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.