[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
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Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming