The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
You Might Also Like
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Damn he played himself
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…