Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
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Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
yeah not falling for this one
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.