Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
You Might Also Like
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.