Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
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I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
#Caturday