Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
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Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose