It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
You Might Also Like
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
how long have you had this for?
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children