To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
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Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Yes, this is exactly right
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.