Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT