I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
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50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.