Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
my sentiments exactly
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
My wife gives the best headache.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes