My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
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Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started