OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
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I support this random dude and all his protests
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.