just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
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Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
no refunds
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry