Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
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[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Beauty and the Beast
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
need him
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…