Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
You Might Also Like
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
“We will wed,” I threatened
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
God, I love Scotland
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
*sewing*
A thread